When you sign on with me, there is a very large number of tools and practices I’ll use. Which ones I’ll whip out of the bag depend very much on you and your situation. However, there is also a relatively short list of things I will not do. Below is a list of my don’ts when it comes to coaching you.

Try to change your goal. My role in this is to help you get to your goal as quickly and efficiently as possible with a minimum of pain, suffering, and negative side-effects. Notice that does not include telling you what your goal should be. I might tell you that your goal is physically impossible, such as squatting 4,000 pounds. I might tell you that the time-frame you’re trying to do it in is too short or long, such as losing 40 pounds of bodyfat in two weeks. And I might tell you that your goal will have x and y side effects and are you OK with that?

I will not tell you your goal is wrong or try to change it. It’s most helpful to think of me the same way you think of Saul Goodman. I’m your lawyer, not your judge. I’m on your side. So do the things I ask you to do and tell me everything. Because like your lawyer, if you don’t tell me about it, I can’t protect you from it.

Take away your teddy bear. There are some people out there that will make you do things you hate or stop doing things you love doing. Why some people insist on making others do things that they hate and stop doing things they love will forever perplex me. True, there’s a time and place for that. If you love smoking cigarettes, I’m probably going to advise you to stop. If you’re over 400 pounds and drinking two liters of cola a day, I’m probably going to tell you to dial it back. But if you’re an endurance athlete who loves his running, I’m not going to tell you to run less unless it’s critical. If you find that after dinner, you really need to have something small that’s sweet, we’ll make room for it.

Also, if you hate the way certain foods taste, I’m not going to tell you that you have to eat those foods. If you absolutely love doughnuts, I’m going to find a way to leave them in your diet in some form or another. You might not be allowed as many as before, but I’m going to fight for you so they can stay and you can enjoy your life. This is especially true with alcohol. Human beings are social creatures and part of what keeps us psychologically and physically healthy is bonding with other human beings. There are times where that involves alcohol. We’ll figure it out.

Make you eat a certain way. That’s really vague, so let’s clarify. By “a certain way” I mean putting you on a diet that is at odds with your way of life just because it’s “better.” If you love carb-rich foods, I’m not going to push you to keto. If you work in corporate and have meetings all day and only have time for two meals, I’m not going to make you eat six meals a day. If you hate celery, I will not include it in your list of “things you should be eating every day.” Celery is the demon vegetable and should probably be avoided anyway. And don’t try to tell me it’s tasty with peanut butter and raisins. That bit of trickery didn’t work on me in elementary school and it doesn’t work now.

Interfere with what your other professional is doing. If you have a personal trainer and I’m doing your nutrition, I’m not going to mess with your workouts (unless they’re doing something outright dangerous.) If I’m your trainer and you’ve got somebody else doing your nutrition, I’m not going to mess with your nutrition (again, unless they’re doing something outright dangerous.) I might ask for his or her contact info so we can make each other’s work complementary, but I won’t try to meddle with his or her methods. I certainly wouldn’t like it if somebody did that to me. We’re all professionals here, so let’s act like it.

Smash you into the ground on a daily basis. This goes for both workouts and dieting. My job, despite what some people assert, is not to make you suffer excruciating pain and wail like one of the denizens of the underworld. You contacted me by writing an e-mail or calling me, not opening the Hellraiser puzzle box. Yes, workouts will be hard some days. Yes, there will be phases of a diet that are rough. There will be suffering to some extent. The loftier the goal, the more suffering you’ll have to endure to get it. But I’m not a sadist. I’m going to try and keep the pain to a minimum. So let’s put the thumbscrews away and get you where you’re trying to go.

Starve you. This is related to the above point, but I felt like it deserves its own section. I wish I could say I was kidding when I tell you I’ve heard some horror stories. Plenty of people have their first meeting with me and I’ll ask what their last trainer did. Many of them, mostly women, will tell me things that make my ears bleed. I don’t know what’s more depressing, the number of people I’ve heard were on 1,200 calorie diets or the fact that it no longer surprises me. And if you think that’s bad, I’ve heard of one woman who was told to eat two eggs. All day. That’s it. I will never do that to somebody. When we work together, my goal is to keep you eating as much as you possibly can while still making progress toward your goal. I see no reason to bring you down to 1,500 calories if we can get results with you at 1,800 calories. Then, once you’ve hit your desired weight, I’m going to do everything I can so that you’re burning as much as possible in a day. This way we can bring your calories up while still maintaining your goal weight. Who wouldn’t want to be able to eat more and not gain weight? Why do it any other way?

I might be flexible in my approach with you, but there are certain places I just won’t take us. There are a whole lot of ways to get from Miami to San Francisco, but driving into the Gulf of Mexico is ill-advised. I’m happy to make a plan that fits you and your life. After all, isn’t the point of all this to make your life better?